Dear Tennis,

Dear Tennis,

 

I love you. Actually no, I kind of hate you. Actually, I don't know, for the past fifteen years, I've been trying to figure out my feelings towards you. At seven years old, my dad sent me to one of your peewee camps where I picked up my very first racket, and to be honest, I didn't find it to be very fun. All I did was hit a ball back and forth, back and forth until I missed, and then did the same thing all over again. It was so monotonous. You were never an enjoyable activity for me, you were a chore. I only stuck with you through my childhood because you were the stepping stone to getting into college. However, for the past three years, I've gradually started to appreciate you and your influence on my life. You are my safe place, my outlet. You are the one thing I can depend on when everything else is going awry. You are the one skill I am consistently confident with. Now, when I pick up my racket, reality disappears for a few hours, and nothing else matters except for the fuzzy yellow ball rocketing towards me. My focus is redirected to the painted white lines on the court and my racket as my palm struggles to cling onto the sweaty grip. Adrenaline rushes through my body as I hunt down every ball as if it's my prey, sprinting in every direction on the court. The soles of my shoes wear down with every step I take and my muscles pulse with every movement I make. I feel the sweat collect and drip down my face and back, an indication of my hard work. With every scream I emit when I win a point, or terribly lose, I expel all my accumulated stress. I used to wish I played a team sport because you are so lonely but now, I appreciate the individuality and take advantage of it because I am in control of everything that happens. 

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You were brutal to me when I was a teenager. I absolutely despised you and wondered why you even existed as a sport. I've had to play in fifteen to twenty miles per hour wind as dust would sail into my eyes, impairing my vision. I've had to play facing the sun as it would glare into my eyes leaving me to see white spots for seconds until I regained my vision. I've had to play in forty-degree weather and it would take about thirty minutes for my joints and muscles to defrost. Through it all, I persisted and it has toughened me up. I had to spend every single night and weekend with you, leaving me with no free time to do things I wanted to do. Sometimes, you even made me spend Christmas with you. Christmas. Not only did you take away my free time, but you also sabotaged my sleep. You made me wake up at ungodly hours before the sun would peek over the horizon and I quite literally had to hold my eyelids open for a few minutes so I wouldn't fall back asleep. Every weekend was spent traveling to different cities, and even states, for tournaments that I did not want to participate in. In the summer, my practices were spent under the radiating California sun where my shoes would almost melt on the court and all the water in my body would escape through my pores. In the winter, I practiced at night, because I had school during the day, under the dull yellow lights that dimly lit the courts. My body would always be numb from the crisp winter air, making it almost impossible to move around. I wanted to be "normal" or a teenager that could go to the mall or get lunch with her friends. My catchphrase has been and still is, "sorry I can't, I have tennis". There would be so many days when I wanted to quit and give up on you but my competitiveness wouldn't allow me to, not after all of the sacrifices and dedication I have put towards you. At one point, I hated you so much that I faked a shoulder injury to get out of playing. Well, I didn't necessarily lie about it, because my shoulder was aching, but I definitely exaggerated the extent of it. For weeks I complained about how much my shoulder hurt and it got to a point where my dad had to take me to get an MRI. By then, my lie had gone too far for me to admit it so I had to keep playing along. To this day, I hold the guilt from all the time and money gone towards something that never existed.

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The number of arguments you have caused our family is innumerable. I'm not saying that you split up our family but I'll admit, there were times when you have come very close. Every single week, or multiple times a week really, my dad and I found ourselves having a screaming match on the court as our voices echoed through the park. It continued on our car ride home after he cut our practices short. My dad would speed into our driveway and slam the door as I stayed behind in the car, sobbing until my eyes were bloodshot red and mascara stained my face. For the entirety of middle school and high school, my relationship with him was unpleasant. I would see him as my biggest critic, and he would see me as the ungrateful daughter. There would be periods where we would eat in silence and the only audible noise would be the silverware clinking against our plates. My mom would be too scared to speak up because she feared we would lash out at her from all the anger we had been holding in. However, when she did give her input, an argument would spark between her and my dad because she would always advise him to go easy on me and that she didn't want you to tear our family apart. I felt bad for her because she was always the mediator of our war. However, we prevailed through it all and as I matured, I gained so much respect for my dad, which he acknowledged, so he eased up on me. I’ve always had this conspiracy that my dad wanted to live out his dreams of being a tennis player through me, so I had an obligation to continue playing to fulfill his dream. I took all his criticism to heart but he only had good intentions, which took me a little too long to realize.

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My family was my biggest support system and constantly encouraged me to not give up on you, no matter how frustrated I would get with you. They came to every single one of my matches and cheered me on from the bleachers as the sun singed the hairs on their bodies and burned their faces until it was bright red. Both of my parents relinquished so much of their free time taking me to practices and matches, instead of doing things they wanted to do. When I had to wake up early for you, they did too. I wish you could apologize to my brother. It was only after I had left for college when my parents were able to give him their undivided attention. You took up all their time, focus, and energy. When we had to travel to other states for nationals, he would have to miss school. So, I'm angry with you because my family sacrificed so much for you, solely for my benefit. My mom always comforted me when I was doubting my abilities, reassuring me that I was good enough. She inspired me with her hard work and determination, as her whole life journey has been an uphill battle. Every day she would work long hours to make money in order to pay for rackets, balls, lessons, and attire. My dad always practiced with me, even if he was injured or ill. "Go get ready for practice" he would always muster to say through his sniffles as he constantly suffered from his allergies. All I want to do now is make my family proud and show them that everything they have done and sacrificed for me was worth it. 

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 You have given me so many stories and memories that are forever ingrained into my mind. 

~ San Diego. Hard Court Nationals. Seventeen. A hundred degrees. Page Freeman. Towel. ~ 

The first round of the tournament I competed against a girl ranked top twenty in the nation when I was just shy of breaking the top one hundred. Going into the match, I had nothing to lose. I had already signed to Fordham so there was no pressure for me to worry about signing to a college anymore either. I walked up to the baseline to serve. Ace. We were toe to toe in every point and I would have to drag myself to the back of the fence to catch my breath and wipe all my sweat off with a towel. After two hours of exhausting every single muscle in my body, I had beaten her. Coming in as an underdog and beating someone, who on paper is supposed to win, is an indescribable feeling, sublime even.

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However, I vividly remember some stories which are so appalling, I get re-humiliated as I replay them in my head.

~ Lakewood Tennis Center. Scout Matthews. Pink Zebra Nike Skirt. Windy. Unhinged. ~

Sometimes, I'd let my emotions get the better of me and I threw fits of pure rage where I slam my racket on the ground or smack the ball to the back of the fence. There was this one game that was recorded with an overhead camera, which I was not made aware of. After I had severely lost, my dad was so upset with me and wanted me to witness how horrifying my behavior was during the match. He bought the recording and had me sit and watch the replay of the entire match. I was mortified. "I FUCKING HATE TENNIS!" "WHAT THE FUCK!"  Boom. Bang. Bang. Crack. I was a mad man.

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Honestly, even though I'm giving off the impression that I detest you, there is some good in you that makes me treasure you. You brought me a whole new circle of friends that understood and sympathized with what I was going through. They were the reason some of my practices were fun and through you, I met some of my best friends. You got me into college and for that, I am especially grateful. Without you, I wouldn't be able to go to Fordham, especially with the grades I got in high school. You put me through the wringer with all the stress I had with college recruitment. I emailed about a hundred division 1 schools but I finally found the perfect college for me. You took me away from my home, all the way across the country from the west coast to the east coast, and placed me in New York. Of course, I didn't want to uproot my whole life and leave everyone I love in California but my mom always said "everything happens for a reason", and she was right. Even though you took me away from my family, you gave me a new one, my team, and I met some of my best friends at Fordham. I am granted the chance to go to an amazing university on a full scholarship and label myself as a division 1 athlete. Everything my parents have given up for me paid off. You allowed me to live in one of the greatest cities for free. My dad would always say, "So many people would do anything to be in your position". He's right, not many people can go to school in NYC, play a division 1 sport, for free, though I did earn my spot here. Even on days when all I could think about was going home and taking a shower, I still gave all the effort I could muster and never gave anything less than 100%. You have given me strength, both mentally and physically, on and off the court. You gave me a competitive edge and I will never let anyone step on me or disrespect me. I know I'm where I am because I worked so hard for it and I deserve it. You have brought so much unwarranted drama into my life, but I overcame it all. You have also provided me with job opportunities where I could show off my prowess. It was so heartwarming for me to teach peewee camps and give private lessons to kids, just like how I started. 

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I've learned so many lessons from you that are applicable both on and off the court. You taught me how to be persistent, how to overcome hardships. You humbled me and taught me what it's like to be the underdog. You taught me that I am more capable than I tell myself and that I have multiple gears that I can tap into. You taught me the importance of mental toughness, being hungry, to be relentless to achieve my goals. You taught me how to win and lose as a good sport. You taught me the importance of self-reliance because I am out there fending for myself with no one to help me. On the court, it's just me and my racket, that's it. You taught me that to be successful in anything, repetition and practice are necessary. Unfortunately, I learned my lesson the hard way. I expected myself to be at peak performance after days of not playing but I ended up being disappointed with the results. You taught me that I am my own enemy with self-destructive thoughts. You taught me that positivity is key to being successful. It's a domino effect. Once I start to doubt myself, it's a never-ending chain of negative thoughts. You taught me how to focus and hone into what I'm doing. You taught me the reality of friendships, making me less naive. There are going to be so many people who come into my life claiming to be my "friend". However, when worst comes to worst, the only focus will be on themselves. The only time they will be happy for me is when they succeed as well. 

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Because of you, I had less time for school, constant arguments with my parents, and minimal time with my friends. Because of you, I get no sleep, no vacations, no weekends. Because of you, I'm injured, exhausted, and mentally drained. Because of you, I have blisters, calluses, and scars. But also, because of you, I am persistent, resilient, and disciplined. Because of you, I have muscle, speed, and agility. Because of you, I got to travel to many different states. Because of you, I have teammates, stories, and pride. 

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To me, you are family. No matter how much I hate you, how much I despise you, I will always love and appreciate you. You have been there for me through it all. I want to thank you. Thank you for the adversity you have put me through because I came out stronger. Thank you for all the doors you have opened for me. Thank you for always being there for me, despite how much I wanted to break up with you. Thank you for all the opportunities you have given me. Thank you for all of the memories. Most of all, thank you for shaping my life. As I am writing this, I realize that our bittersweet relationship will soon come to an end when I graduate. I wish that it didn't take me so long to finally appreciate you and I regret taking you for granted. I think I do love you. 

 

Love you forever,

Rachelle Yang